Musicians Wanted:
Strapping responds to a dream

RING RING   RI-

Hello?

Is Dwight there?

Yeah. This is Dwight.

Hi, this is Strapping Danforth. I'm calling about the ad: “Metal oriented band looking for Lyricist/Songwriter/Guitarist/Drummer/Bassist. No junkies. Professional band, with gig possibilities. Must be ready to rock. Male 18-29, preferred. Influences include Sabbath, Helmet, Tool, Megadeth, Metallica (before they sold out), Cadaverous, and Blood Sponge. Call 871-XXXX. Ask for Dwight.”

Cool. What do you play?

Nothing.

Whu?

I want to interview you.

Interview me? What for?

Rolling Stone .

Uh, okay.

Great. Let's get started. First, what exactly do you mean by “Metal”?

Well, I'm thinking of stuff like the bands I listed as influences. Like harder than hard rock but more technical than punk. And the lyrics have to be deep. Poetic. I'm not into that juvenile stuff like Poison and Cinderella.

What's the name of your band?

I haven't decided for sure. I thought it'd be best if the band came up with the name together. I do have a couple names I've been trying out.

Try me.

Dark Cranium is my favorite. Next in line is Sudden Death.

Fascinating. Why do metal bands always have such dark names?

The music is dark. Metal is dark. Life itself is dark. We should name our children like we do our bands.

You mean instead of Joey and Brittany, kids should be called Autopsy and Shark Bite?

Totally. We all have darkness inside of us. We should not hide it. If we called our children by the names of our nightmares, we wouldn't fear our children and then we wouldn't hurt them, physically or mentally. Fear eats away from the inside out, man.

What do you fear most?

I fear nothing. I have a goldfish named Scarification, which allows me to exorcise my demons.

When you say Lyricist/Songwriter/Guitarist/Drummer/Bassist, how many people is that?

At least three. You COULD have a guitarist, drummer, bassist, and also a lyricist and also a songwriter. Five people maximum. But more likely is that you'll have a guitarist/songwriter, a bassist/lyricist, and a drummer/nothing. So, really three. I've heard of people who can play the drums and bass at the same time but I kind of prefer the traditional rock line-up. So three. No more, no less.

The ad also states, “No junkies.” Would you let an alcoholic in the band?

Probably. [nervous laughter]

How about a sex addict?

Totally, if she's a woman.

But the ad says, “Male, 18-29”. You'd make an exception for a woman if she was a sex addict?

Hell yeah!

Seriously, why did you include the male stipulation?

Good one. Lemme think. [Several moments of thought]. Well, I just don't think metal is like, something that women are comfortable with. Other than Lita Ford, you never see chicks in metal bands. I think there was a chick in White Zombie. But it's more like, guys night out, you know. What if you're backstage after a show and there's an orgy? The woman will be uncomfortable, right? Also, we'll need a separate bathroom on the tour bus. And last but not least, the world of music is full of sexism and I'd hate to expose a female to that, uh, environment.

What does the ad mean by “Professional band with gig possibilities”?

We're gonna be pros, dude. It's that simple. As far as gigs go, there's always a battle of the bands going on. The way I see it, we'll get together, play a couple battles of the bands, and use our prize money to make a CD. I'm realistic. The first CD probably won't do that great, maybe 100,000 copies. We'll get a video; go on tour in Mexico and the East Coast. Cover of Rolling Stone; win a best new artist Grammy. Our next record will blow the doors off things. Millions. I'm fuckin' serious about this.

So you're saying you're ready to rock.

Damn right.

Dwight, what role are you going to play in the band?

Well, it's my brainchild. Hey, that's a good band name, Brainchild. Anyway, I started it and the non-musical ideas are all mine. I'll probably design a wicked logo, do most of the interviews, tune guitars, keep the beer cool, develop the band image. Stuff like that.

So you're basically going to do the work of a roadie and a front man at the same time.

Yeah. That's the idea. I'm also the lead singer.

Wow. After you get famous, don't forget who gave you your first interview.

Who's that?

Strapping Danforth.

Yeah. Rock on.

CLICK.

--Strapping Danforth, May, 2002

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