Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2002 23:51:11 EST
Subject: Re: left trick article?

sorry that you havent gotten your cd, but the guys needed to make more of them if ya know what i mean. it should be on the way, and matt-the drummer-would love to do an interview!

thanks again for everything!



Date: 18 Nov 2002
Subject: Re: left trick article?


I'm not actually going to interview Matt. I'm not actually going to interview anyone. I am strongly opposed to factual information.

The article will (probably) consist of an essay written by Matt, which means it will consist of an essay NOT written by Matt. Matt will have no input on this project whatsoever, which may at first glance be disappointing. Do not be disappointed. 

Trust me,



Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:22:02 EST
Subject: left trick article: matt-drummer

so...i talked to matt and the band, and they dont really want you to "make" up the essay about him. they ARE opposed to the no fact idea. sorry to shoot down your idea:(



Date: 26 Nov 2002
Subject: cajones?


Well. I'm done with the article. It's attached to this message. You might as well show it to the boys and if they like it, it will run in the January issue. If they don't, I'll remove any mention of Left Trick.

I must confess to a certain amount of disappointment. Rock and Roll is about the lack of fear and complete abandonment of dignity. I'm surprised that the guys are reluctant to be fictionalized for all eternity, consequences be damned. Don't they want to make it big?

Dammit, TRUST ME.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Strapping Danforth


Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2002
Subject: left trick article: matt-drummer

Hey!!! ya so i talked to the band, and they said that it doesnt really matter if you print it or not... they think its a good article. Thanks for Everything!!!!!


Winning Essay Snares Prize:
Dead Guy's Drums Go to Well-Spoken Not Dead Guy

Last month, Davey Patterson died onstage and generously willed his drums to the winner of an essay contest. Additionally, Davey stipulated that I, Strapping Danforth, judge the contest.

Riff was deluged with submissions. The competition was fierce. But one essay stood head and shoulders above the rest. Unfortunately, I lost it. Oops. In absence of the actual best essay, the essay that follows was picked at random from the dozens that I received.


My name's Matt G------. I'm in the band Left Trick. I'm 17 years old. This is my essay to win the drum kit. I don't really want to write about your topic you provided. I never heard of this Davey Patterson guy and I don't really care that he died. But here's the thing: I'm in the band, Left Trick, and we have everything. Well, we had everything until we were robbed. We weren't exactly robbed. But the bottom line is my Dad threw my drums out cause he said he'd rather die than listen to my noise. Which is bull. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm a damn good drummer for my age. What's he expect? I'm good and my band kicks ass but my Dad's selfishness leaves us jacked. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make grades and get laid, nowhusaie? [translation= "know what I'm saying?" - ed.] I ain't got time to work the extra time to pay for drums.

So now we're a band without a drum kit, which is like a swimsuit model without a bikini.

Anyway, I read that article and it struck me that this guy, Davey, is everything that's good about music. So he was a head case. Kurt Cobain was a head case. So was the dude from Sublime. The Insane Clown Posse sucks AND their insane. So are all of us. That's not so wrong.

I can't belive you dissed him for being such a bad drummer. The guy tried. He tried and tried and tried. He only played four gigs his whole life and he auditioned for over a thousand bands. You have to give him props for trying. Even if he hadn't played awesome at his last gig and died, you still gotta give him props. But he DID play awesome at his last gig and die so you gotta give him mega props.

I just read this book about imperialism. It's called Imperialism. It talks about how different countries try to impose their values and morality on other countries. I read the book and I said, that's stupid. Why would all these big powerful nations spend so much time trying to take over other nations? America is a big country. Why can't we just be happy to be America? Same with the U.S.S.R. and the U.K. Instead, we gotta throw down with every other country that doesn't lick our red white and blue underwear.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. The way I see it, bands are like imperialist countries. They all want to conquer the world. Every band thinks it's the best ever and so they think they have the right to play the biggest stadiums and sell the most CDs. They don't care if they stomp other bands or alienate fans or totally sell-out. They just want to conquer the world. But then, if a band does get the golden fleece/golden record, instead of being happy, they destroy themselves from the inside. Just like the Spice Girls (bad example) or that band in the movie Almost Famous. Bands destroy theirselves from the inside because if the band as a whole can justify imperialistic tendencies, then the individual band members can justify their own imperialism within the band and they'll all try to take over the band. This will lead to conflict and then the band breaks up and nobody has squat. If you don't believe me, look at Oasis. They're not the best example, but back in the day they had it all. Then the Liam and Noel started arguing and now the band might as well be on the moon. Maybe they always argued. It's hard to say. It's different when your brother is in the band.

The point I'm making is that I would use those drums for good. By that I mean I would use the drums to make music and nothing else. Maybe my Dad is right. Maybe the band is awful. I don't care. None of us care. Left Trick just wants to make music.

There's another reason why I hope I can convince you to give me the drums. I'm very violent. I don't ever actually break things or get in fights but I think about it all the time. When I had drums I was able to direct my anger into the drums. I didn't want to be violent. Now that the drums are gone, I'm feeling violent again. I also feel angry. I keep it in check mostly by pinching myself. Lately, though, I've been pushing thumbtacks into my calf. It hurts and it feels great at the same time. If you're like me, you find this a little whack. I don't want to put thumbtacks into my leg. I want drums.

Now look at me, I'm begging you for the drums. You think I'm crazy just like Davey, the dead drummer. I guess I am. We all are. That's what I'm trying to say. So you shouldn't give me the drums. I bet there's someone out there who deserves them more than me.

The End.


Matt, maybe there is someone out there who deserves the drums more than you but they don't push thumbtacks into their calves, and I didn't randomly pick their essay from a stack of dozens.

The drums are on their way to your house right now.

Once again, thanks for the submissions. And remember, if you're in a band and you're about to die, don't forget to will your instrument to the winner of an essay contest, which I will judge.

--Strapping Danforth, January, 2003

Date: February 4, 2003
Subject: Some questions


I just got a call from one of the guys in Left Trick. They claim that article you wrote is all lies and that they never gave you permission to print it. They want Riff to issue a formal apology and feature them on the front page of the magazine next month.

We're behind you all the way so don't worry about that. But what the hell is going on?



Date: February 4, 2003
Subject: Potential Trouble


The rats! I got explicit permission (if you consider an email from a girl who claims to be dating the singer "explict permission") to use their name in the article (see attached correspondence). They're clever, these guys, trying to shake you down for an article.

Call their bluff. And if it comes down to a lawsuit, you'll be able to find me in Canada.


Strapping Danforth


Date: February 5, 2003
Subject: Disaster averted / don't do this again


A couple of things. I talked with the dad of Matt. Evidently, he is a counselor for the high school Matt attends and the principal read the article and approached him with concerns over his 'suicidal' tendencies. It gets better. Then Matt is besieged by neighbors and friends who read the article and wanted to know if he was O.K. and if he needed help.

So-o-o with that in mind, we might want to avoid writing anyone under the age of 18 in the future.

Don't worry, things sound worse than they are! Matt's dad is cool. I showed him your correspondence with Shelia and he said it looks pretty cut and dry. We got lucky. And, on a purely selfish note, we are getting some good exposure from this. I am starting to learn how many people actually read our paper!

Take care!



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