What's Brown and Sounds Like a Southern Bell?
A Hunka Hunka Elvis Dung

FOR SALE :

Six pounds of vintage 1967 Elvis excrement found behind the dressing room of Universal Studios Lot 49 during the shooting of “Girl Crazy”. Asking price $315. All offers considered. For more information contact strappingdan@sparkythedog.com .

~~~~~~

Strapping Danforth: Excuse me. Don't you play in the Strip Searchers?

SS: Yeah.

SD: I'm a writer. My name's Strapping Danforth--

SS: Never heard of you.

SD: I write for Riff Music Magazine in Fort Collins .

SS: Never heard of it.

SD: I'm conducting a series of man-on-the-street interviews with local bands. Would you be willing to participate?

SS: Sure. Will it take long?

SD: Just one question. How much would you pay for a piece of Elvis Presley's feces?

SS: I don't do drugs.

~~~~~~

SD: You're Cinnamon Sugarwater, right? The popular angry female folk singer with a highly percussive acoustic guitar style and whose sexual preference is a subject of endless debate amongst ignorant men and women alike? I love your work. Would you mind answering a question?

CS: Sure, but just one.

SD: How much would you pay for a piece of Elvis Presley's poop?

CS: Depends. Old Elvis or Young Elvis? Is it dried? I'd pay about twelve bucks for it. If it had been sealed in a plastic baggie and was still moist, I'd pay a couple thousand.

If it was the load he dropped the night of August 16, 1977 , I'd do anything for it. I mean, that's the movement that killed him. Not only that, but it's the Last Supper. I can't begin to imagine the power of such a totem. That would be worth more than the bullet they chipped out of the balcony of the Ford Theatre. I'd trade my children for that one.

SD: Children, eh? So you're straight…?

CS: Sorry, you said one question only.

~~~~~~

SD: Pardon me, Killah Baztid Beige KidmaN, but I really dig your stuff and I was wondering…How much would you shell out for a piece of Elvis Presley's feces?

KBBK: What in the hell are you talking about?

SD: Elvis Presley. Surely you've heard of him.

KBBK: I know. He's the King of Rock and Roll. An inspirational figure to hodads who never heard of Eminem. Don't matter who he is…Nobody wanna buy a piece of twenty year old crap.

SD: Then explain the popularity of Britney Spears.

~~~~~~

SD: Wacky Bill, talented folk musician. You're my favorite. Will you answer me a question?

WB: I reckon.

SD: How much would you pay for a piece of Elvis Presley's poop?

WB: Not a durn thing.

SD: What if it was hermetically sealed in solid glass brick and came with a certificate of authenticity?

WB: Nuthin'.

SD: What would you pay for vial of Elvis's sweat?

WB: Nada.

SD: Baby tooth?

WB: Zilcho.

SD: What if I GAVE you a piece of EP's poop?

WB: I would not accept it.

SD: How about a photograph of Elvis Presley's doo doo?

WB: I'd tear it up and drop it in the outhouse.

SD: Do you have a garden?

WB Yes.

SD: If I offered to spread thirty pounds of Elvis manure on your garden, would you let me do this?

WB Can't say that I would.

SD: If I spread thirty pounds of Elvis manure on my own garden and grew large, succulent tomatoes, would you ever consider buying one of these tomatoes? Also, this hypothetical scenario takes place in a post-apocalyptic world in which I am the only person on the planet with access to food.

WB I wouldn't rule that one out.

SD: Would you eat one of these tomatoes?

WB: Perhaps.

SD: So you'd consider buying and eating food that contained microscopic pieces of Elvis feces before you'd let me give you an heirloom quality glass-enclosed chuck of same?

WB: S'pose so.

SD: Wacky Bill, you disgust me.

--Strapping Danforth, July, 2003

Date: June 20, 2003
Subject: Raise

Lois,

Although you couldn't tell it from terrific work he's been doing, Strapping has been getting very down on himself lately. I think a $10 raise would go a long way towards lifting his spirits.

Whaddaya say?

Kevin

#

Date: July 10, 2003
Subject: Re: Raise

Hey Kevin,

Mr. Danforth will have to hang in there for two months before we consider raises. The magazine is at the do or die stage right now, but we have some possible big things happening this next week that will pull us out of the fire and a meeting with a possible investor in July. Keep your fingers crossed...I would like to get paid too. ;o)

Lois

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